Part 5 people. This week we see an introduction of a new character and we learn about Hummus.
Badger was strong. Strong beyond belief. His head was clear and he was confident. He could now beat up the 5 year old kids at the nursery. Yes, those pesky 5 year olds who always pick on him and call him rude names like ‘poo’. However, beating up children is wrong. Badger learnt this when he went to the playground. Little Jake shouted, “Poo”. Badger replied back in his gravely voice.
“Don’t say that! It’s the worst word ever!”.
Badger, stepped back. He was going to flying kick Little Jake to kingdom come. Shame on badger for using his super powers to beat up children. There was a problem. Badger got stuck. He started sweating profusely. His heart was beating heavily. He couldn’t move. There was a crack in the nursery playground. Badger was reminded of the time when Margaret Badger was thrashed by a range rover. He remembered the full horror of her bulging eye popping out. Even the word ‘poo’ seemed tame right now. Badger wasn’t spazzing out. Spazzing out is not the right term. It’s called OCD or obsessive compulsive disorder. The lovely but evil 5 year olds came to him and just beat Badger to the dark ages. Kicking him in the head, spanners and forks, one kid even had some nunchucks. Kids these days. Poor Badger.
So now we have it my listeners. Badger and Moon Dog with their super duper powers. Moon Dog with his flying and Badger with his unbreakable strength. Albeit, with epilepsy and OCD in that order. All of us in life have some sort of handicap we have to fight right?
Sigmund was sitting on his leather chair in the office smoking a pipe and contemplating the theory of evolution. How did ape become man and at what point is there a middle ground. For example, is there a man with an apes mind? Or an ape with a mans mind? Then it hit him. There isn’t. There are just idiotic humans and idiotic apes. Using a toilet doesn’t make you more human. But herein lies the problem. Sigmund is a monkey. To look at, to feel and at every conceivable level he is a monkey. A monkey who speaks and understands 5 different languages except Icelandic because it’s a very silly language. His problem is this, apes don’t understand him or get on with him, they think he’s a mad. Mad like a Giraffe with a mouse’s head, a complete outcast. Human beings couldn’t accept him as one of them because he’s more intelligent than them. Sigmund had an IQ of 140. However, unlike the our heroes Moon Dog and Badger there were no unfortunate events as to how he came to being this powerful. Sigmund just was. He was born from his mothers womb and thought the greatest thought ever for a goo covered new born. He thought this – if the universe is infinite in its dimension then consciousness cannot be finite, we are part of the universe as one organic entity. Profound stuff. He also thought dung is the greatest thing ever, which then negated his previous thought because dung is not the greatest thing ever. Hummus is. This strange contradiction runs throughout the world. For example, if pizzas are round why are they supplied in square boxes?
But what has Sigmund got to do with our story?
Sigmund is the uniting bond as to how Moon Dog and Badger came together and triumphed all over the world. And here is this character montage.
Sigmund was rejected by his mother for constantly questioning who his father was.
“I was on heat Sigmund and I had to be dealt with”. Shouted Sigmunds monkey mother.
Of course, none of this was said in English. Although, Sigmund did speak English very early on, he spoke with arms and spasmodic gestures, screeching noises and hands full of dung flying at each other. Dung is actually like morse code for monkeys. Much can be read from it. For example, the word above ‘dealt’ would be 5 and half pounds of flying dung. Sigmund didn’t like the way monkeys spoke.
“Mother, I need to know who my father was because I am convinced he is the one who passed on my intellect dammit!” shouted back Sigmund.
The word ‘dammit’ does not exist in monkey talk. So the equivalent of that would be two piles of Rhino Poo. The worst gesture in monkeyism ever. Sigmund had to leave. His mother turned her backside to him and pointed north. Sigmund resigned his fate to working for a living or translating Shakespeare plays into other languages. He then realised that this is all rather silly because Shakespeare was an idiot who didn’t know how to spell. The reason he took so long writing a play wasn’t writers block, it’s because he was completely inept at spelling a simple word like ‘the’. This is a fact because it took a million monkeys to finish the complete works of Shakespeare. Shakespeare merely wrote a draft outline of the play with huge spelling mistakes and the million monkeys invented the rest. So Sigmund was exiled. Walking through Africa, and then through North Africa, caught a boat full of dodgy sailors who he had to do favours for. He was not proud of doing them but he sometimes a person has to bend over backwards to reach his or her destination. Eventually going through what he deemed as strange Europeans who like nothing but disco and getting drunk. It perplexed him as to why they would rather escape profound consciousness, intellect and get drunk. Another vast contradiction in world. He just didn’t understand why they would act like undomesticated animals. His travels taught him that he has nothing in common with humans whatsoever. They are silly beings who invent things like a pay toilet.
Whilst travelling he landed in France where Sigmund almost felt at home. He was in Paris and was the centre of attention in Bars and Cafes, discussing existential theories and the why the English are so utterly ugly. Two topics the French enjoy the most. The third topic is smoking. A nasty habit Sigmund picked up. Pipe smoking that is. But it was a false sense of security. A bar owner thought he would capture Sigmund and put him in the circus. He succeeded. It wasn’t difficult. The bar owner liked monkeys, he once bought 200 and they all died suddenly. No reason, they just died like cheap goldfish. He liked monkeys. He punched Sigmund in the genitals. Sigmund remembered his favours on the ship he was on earlier from Africa to Europe. The sailors asked him to do the same for them. After a while punching 100 plus people in the genitals every hour becomes boring. They enjoyed it though. The bar owner put him in a sack and sold him to Paris Existential Circus. The only circus in the world where animals re-enacted the writings of Proust and Shakespeare. Sigmund was in a cage to London to perform for the Mayor of London for the annual French appreciation day. Sigmund was sad in his straw filled cage forced to learn Shakespeare line by line. Painful stuff. He didn’t mind the cage or the nomadic life, he was looked after and wasn’t touched up at all it was just the utter banality and degradation of learning an oafs books. But my friends all this would change like an aftershock of a hot curry. Soon, the 66 degrees of separation between all beings would combine in the cosmos and bring our heroes together. Badger has already walked past Sigmund many times, he even caught eye to eye for a second but being and ugly british person he didn't interact. Lives change forever if only people took the opporunity to look and react. We walk past each other everyday and refuse or go blind at the idea that the person next to us has every purpose of being there as you do.
Badger, stepped back. He was going to flying kick Little Jake to kingdom come. Shame on badger for using his super powers to beat up children. There was a problem. Badger got stuck. He started sweating profusely. His heart was beating heavily. He couldn’t move. There was a crack in the nursery playground. Badger was reminded of the time when Margaret Badger was thrashed by a range rover. He remembered the full horror of her bulging eye popping out. Even the word ‘poo’ seemed tame right now. Badger wasn’t spazzing out. Spazzing out is not the right term. It’s called OCD or obsessive compulsive disorder. The lovely but evil 5 year olds came to him and just beat Badger to the dark ages. Kicking him in the head, spanners and forks, one kid even had some nunchucks. Kids these days. Poor Badger.
So now we have it my listeners. Badger and Moon Dog with their super duper powers. Moon Dog with his flying and Badger with his unbreakable strength. Albeit, with epilepsy and OCD in that order. All of us in life have some sort of handicap we have to fight right?
Sigmund was sitting on his leather chair in the office smoking a pipe and contemplating the theory of evolution. How did ape become man and at what point is there a middle ground. For example, is there a man with an apes mind? Or an ape with a mans mind? Then it hit him. There isn’t. There are just idiotic humans and idiotic apes. Using a toilet doesn’t make you more human. But herein lies the problem. Sigmund is a monkey. To look at, to feel and at every conceivable level he is a monkey. A monkey who speaks and understands 5 different languages except Icelandic because it’s a very silly language. His problem is this, apes don’t understand him or get on with him, they think he’s a mad. Mad like a Giraffe with a mouse’s head, a complete outcast. Human beings couldn’t accept him as one of them because he’s more intelligent than them. Sigmund had an IQ of 140. However, unlike the our heroes Moon Dog and Badger there were no unfortunate events as to how he came to being this powerful. Sigmund just was. He was born from his mothers womb and thought the greatest thought ever for a goo covered new born. He thought this – if the universe is infinite in its dimension then consciousness cannot be finite, we are part of the universe as one organic entity. Profound stuff. He also thought dung is the greatest thing ever, which then negated his previous thought because dung is not the greatest thing ever. Hummus is. This strange contradiction runs throughout the world. For example, if pizzas are round why are they supplied in square boxes?
But what has Sigmund got to do with our story?
Sigmund is the uniting bond as to how Moon Dog and Badger came together and triumphed all over the world. And here is this character montage.
Sigmund was rejected by his mother for constantly questioning who his father was.
“I was on heat Sigmund and I had to be dealt with”. Shouted Sigmunds monkey mother.
Of course, none of this was said in English. Although, Sigmund did speak English very early on, he spoke with arms and spasmodic gestures, screeching noises and hands full of dung flying at each other. Dung is actually like morse code for monkeys. Much can be read from it. For example, the word above ‘dealt’ would be 5 and half pounds of flying dung. Sigmund didn’t like the way monkeys spoke.
“Mother, I need to know who my father was because I am convinced he is the one who passed on my intellect dammit!” shouted back Sigmund.
The word ‘dammit’ does not exist in monkey talk. So the equivalent of that would be two piles of Rhino Poo. The worst gesture in monkeyism ever. Sigmund had to leave. His mother turned her backside to him and pointed north. Sigmund resigned his fate to working for a living or translating Shakespeare plays into other languages. He then realised that this is all rather silly because Shakespeare was an idiot who didn’t know how to spell. The reason he took so long writing a play wasn’t writers block, it’s because he was completely inept at spelling a simple word like ‘the’. This is a fact because it took a million monkeys to finish the complete works of Shakespeare. Shakespeare merely wrote a draft outline of the play with huge spelling mistakes and the million monkeys invented the rest. So Sigmund was exiled. Walking through Africa, and then through North Africa, caught a boat full of dodgy sailors who he had to do favours for. He was not proud of doing them but he sometimes a person has to bend over backwards to reach his or her destination. Eventually going through what he deemed as strange Europeans who like nothing but disco and getting drunk. It perplexed him as to why they would rather escape profound consciousness, intellect and get drunk. Another vast contradiction in world. He just didn’t understand why they would act like undomesticated animals. His travels taught him that he has nothing in common with humans whatsoever. They are silly beings who invent things like a pay toilet.
Whilst travelling he landed in France where Sigmund almost felt at home. He was in Paris and was the centre of attention in Bars and Cafes, discussing existential theories and the why the English are so utterly ugly. Two topics the French enjoy the most. The third topic is smoking. A nasty habit Sigmund picked up. Pipe smoking that is. But it was a false sense of security. A bar owner thought he would capture Sigmund and put him in the circus. He succeeded. It wasn’t difficult. The bar owner liked monkeys, he once bought 200 and they all died suddenly. No reason, they just died like cheap goldfish. He liked monkeys. He punched Sigmund in the genitals. Sigmund remembered his favours on the ship he was on earlier from Africa to Europe. The sailors asked him to do the same for them. After a while punching 100 plus people in the genitals every hour becomes boring. They enjoyed it though. The bar owner put him in a sack and sold him to Paris Existential Circus. The only circus in the world where animals re-enacted the writings of Proust and Shakespeare. Sigmund was in a cage to London to perform for the Mayor of London for the annual French appreciation day. Sigmund was sad in his straw filled cage forced to learn Shakespeare line by line. Painful stuff. He didn’t mind the cage or the nomadic life, he was looked after and wasn’t touched up at all it was just the utter banality and degradation of learning an oafs books. But my friends all this would change like an aftershock of a hot curry. Soon, the 66 degrees of separation between all beings would combine in the cosmos and bring our heroes together. Badger has already walked past Sigmund many times, he even caught eye to eye for a second but being and ugly british person he didn't interact. Lives change forever if only people took the opporunity to look and react. We walk past each other everyday and refuse or go blind at the idea that the person next to us has every purpose of being there as you do.
Thanks. More next week.
It was good -the first paragraph was the funniest.
ReplyDeleteHowever i think its too long to be a 'blog' - maybe keep it shorter and only have it come out every fortnight...