Moon Dog and Badger PART3

This part continues the intro of our awesome duo. This part concentrates on Moon Dog.

Moon Dog did not see this coming. Hopping on the moon with Buzz and Neil, with his glass helmet and nothing else. Dogs have to be protected from zero atmosphere places as well you know. Not their bodies but just their head. Ask NASA they will tell you so. As he was there hopping in his domain, he thought ‘wow, I could really evacuate my bowels here’ In saying that moon dogs bowels let some air out and it pushed him forward at miraculous speeds. Moon Dog was flying. At first there was fear and then Moon Dog couldn’t keep his concentration so he forgot what he was frightened of in the first place. Neil Armstrong thought this was wonderful and laughed like mad until he got his asthma and stopped. Oh but my fellow reader(s), NASA forgot to cover his scrotum. The scrotum must be covered as well in zero atmospheres and minus degrees cold. Moon Dog went to lick his family jewels. As his huge helmet hit his marble pack his frozen scrotum just fell off. Radioactive pathogens invaded the place where his scrotum was. They formed something more metallic and grey looking.
‘Did you just see that?’ said Neil almost fainting from his asthma.
‘Nope, have you collected the moon soil yet?’ replied Buzz boringly.
‘Oh yeah magic dust, yeah got loads of it’. said Neil now severely lacking oxygen.
Moon Dog understood all this. Amongst American English Moon Dog also understands cockney and Rolf Harris.
Moon Dog rather angrily retorted, ‘grrrr’ in his circular helmet. That didn’t work, so he charged at Neil Armstrong with a judo chop. He missed. Instead, he hit an Asteroid. Something magical happened then, Moon Dogs super balls ignited with the super dust of the asteroid and suddenly there was a jolt inside Moon Dogs mind. There was crystal clear clarity, Moon Dog was one with the Universe and a superb power enveloped him. Not only could he could he understand all the languages of creation except Icelandic he could also feel a higher intellect in him. He now had an IQ of 11. Which meant his good will to mankind was increased. From this moment on Moon Dog would serve humanity forever. His IBS was cured, he could see all the colours of the world, rather than black and white. But something more sinister was taking place. Of all the powers that the Universe gives it also takes something back. There is no such thing as perfection. After all heroes have to have a handicap of some sort. Moon Dog discovered this looking at the earth and sun together. In one sudden swoop he fell back to Moon and starting having a horrible seizure. Foaming at the mouth, jiggling on the ground like a crazy white man learning the twist. Commonly known as epilepsy and not spazzing as some people call it. Buzz saw this and in his wicked way he buried Moon Dog thinking the poor dog couldn’t cope with space dimensions.
‘What are you doing’ cried Neil.
‘No-one will miss him’ said Buzz with his Moon spade.
Evil Buzz
Moon Dog vowed to get his revenge on Buzz. He would find him on earth and do a massive poop on his doorstep.
Of course, Moon Dog was now a super being. He escaped after Neil’s speech about ‘one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind’. Contrary to popular belief Neil Armstrong was not talking about the evolutionary and technological advancement of man. He just jumbled some asthmatic words together and somehow they made sense. Luckily he didn’t not say ‘flamertammertangerineopesci….’ I cannot finish that word because if I did the fabric of time and space would just end there and then. It is the one of the three variables that the universe has in place. Like an emergency stop button. The third variable is if Jamie Oliver ever lost his lisp. If the latter two happen soon, the universe would just fold like paper into itself. The secrets of the Universe would reveal themselves and there wouldn’t be anyone there to see it. Damn paradoxes.
So, Moon Dog escaped his moon dust grave. He was going to fly to the earth. Moon Dog carried on farting towards earth hoping this Peter Pan sensation would last forever. Peter Pan also suffered from IBS.

Tune in next week folks for the next part of this massive paradigm shift in story telling.

Moon Dog and Badger PART 2

Read on my peeps of the epic Moon Dog and Badger. Bear with me, The begininning is just a character study the action will start soon.

Badger, was a lonely orphan animal from Hertfordshire. A young fresh faced badger was ready to face the world at night, but couldn’t do it alone. Poor badger wanted love. All he ever wanted in life was love. Legend has it that even Bill Oddie who slept with animals and married a goose couldn’t stand the possessive power of badger. Badger just wanted someone for himself. Poor badger. In his many years of solitude and winter months badger kept company with mushrooms of the exotic kind. It made the time pass by quicker and generally made him feel warmer, albeit slightly distorted from reality. Badger and his silly mushrooms. One day as Badger staggered bravely through a road with Norman Lamont and the kids from The Goonies he saw eye to eye with Margaret Badger. This was classic doe eyed love. You could see from the electric jaw dropping chemistry that they both wanted each other. They were both lonely badgers who wanted nothing more than to sleep in a sixty nine position. Margaret crossed the road, making the first step, badger couldn’t move as he thought he was guarding queen Persepolis treasure. Badger and his funny mushrooms. As Margaret crossed the road she didn’t see the Range Rover to her left, everything was quiet in her mind for now, everything was one and silent. She got flattened like a pumpkin falling from the sky or even a badger crossing the road. Damned Mushrooms. Badger was of course, utterly devastated by this senseless violent and cruel disposition of fate. But he couldn’t move, he wanted to touch her bloody bowels or a bit of brain but couldn’t move from the crack on the road he was on. Queen Persepolis would have to wait. Poor badger tormented by the twin swords of destiny.

Life throws all of us a bad bone. But life has this strange unexplainable harmony. It’s takes from you and it gives to you. It took badgers sanity and Moon Dogs scrotum and good will to man.

Please comment, it blows my ego and I feel oh so important. Comment and then think about how warm I make you feel.

Moon Dog and Badger PART 1

Ladies, Gents and due to considerable demand. (Thank you to the 4 people who commented.) I now present the first part of this saga. Moon Dog and Badger!

There are moments in the annals of mankind’s history where magnificent things happen. Amongst us mere mortals and bears and birds, there are under a garb of secrecy superhuman beings, well not quite super because they’re below the food chain, and not really human because they’re animals. Nevertheless, let us continue with the utter gargantuan idiocy of this sad tragedy.

Moon Dog and Badger were quietly passing their time. Moon Dog was peeing on a tyre and contemplating the heavenly relief emptying his bowels in a small corner of a massive park that seems like it never ends. Badger was tiling his bathroom, and stopped abruptly. ‘Bugger’ he thought. ‘I should have used Vinyl.’ We’ll come back to the irritating reason of why that is so.

Did you know that Moon Dog was the first Dog ever to land on the moon with Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin. There was never any footage of him because Moon Dog was camera shy. He always hopped away in zero gravity whenever the Apollo craft tried to take a picture. He was chosen amongst a thousand and twenty three dogs. All trained to listen and obey commands. Moon Dog was a trampy shaggy looking Dog found on the streets in Chicago by dog lover Melissa Carthwright, an equally looking trampy and shaggy 38 year old. Whilst every other dog was doing a cheap dog show tricks like jumping and licking themselves. Moon Dog was doing judo chops on a comatose and dribbling Melissa, he liked Melissa, he just didn’t like her face. The judges of NASA were impressed. Moon Dogs high intellect of 7 paid off and watching Hong Kong Phooey. John ‘Randy’ Buddy a tall, strong specimen of physical evolution, who was chosen to land on the moon with Buzz Aldrin, went to reach for Moon Dog. Moon Dog did a flying kick to Johns face and killed him. Moon Dog didn’t like Johns face. He thought John looked like a rapist. Neil Armstrong was bought in as a replacement. Anyway, NASA heavily impressed with Moon Dog recruited him immediately. Moon Dog liked Neil Armstrong because he smelt of rectum. This is all true and can be verified by NASA themselves. If they’re willing to part with this information....

Care to read more? Please comment and I will post the next dazzling part next week.

Moon Dog and Badger Annoucement Extraordinaire.

Ladies and Gentlemen. Once in a lifetime there comes a moment so amazing that you would have to be a Fox News reader to miss it. This is one of those moments. Okay, it's not that amazing. But in short, I say 'in short' because my PC keyboard is dying and I cannot type properly. Anyhoo, I am doing a mini part series/ short story of creation call "Moon Dog and Badger".

What's it about I hear you say!

Well it's about an epileptic Dog who can also fly and a drug abusing obsessive compulsive Badger. Sensitive stuff. Stay tuned. I'll post as soon as I get one or two comments from people who actually want to read this crap.