Moon Dog and Badger PART 6

Sorry for the delay my rapidly diminishing fanbase. Moon Dog and Badger have been busy with the snow and general willy fiddling.

Moon Dog farted his way to planet earth. Using the Moons gravity to propel him towards earth. The sun was coming up again and as it shined on the earths ocean Moon Dog had another fit. Jiggling around like a man possessed with Stevie Wonders dance moves. Stevie Wonder still doesn’t know he is black, which is why he is still smiling. Nobody has the guts to tell him otherwise. When you’re making money from someone else’s fame you would tell them anything. A bit like telling the elephant man he is good looking. Somehow someway fate pulled him towards the earth. Fate, no such thing in the universe. Things just are. Things like the sun are supposed to rise and fall and the earth is going to be destroyed by me at the end of this book. Fact. As events transpired Moon Dog landed in London Trafalgar Square where French appreciation day was taking place. People thought this was part of the act and applauded the great French artistry. Rather like the European arthouse movies that have titles like ‘the seagulls coil’. The title of the movie is so ambiguous it could mean anything. The rest of the movie is just angst with nothing more to add about human existence. Moon Dog liked arthouse movies because of huge boobage content in them. He also liked the film Gayniggers in outer space. Humans are so silly. There was no deeper meaning other than it was just a dog falling from the sky. Sigmund the monkey was intrigued at this stupefaction of fate. How can a dog survive such a fall? Moon Dog survived the heat of the atmosphere, zero atmosphere and general retardation of the brain caused by dryness of the brain. As Moon Dog landed on Trafalgar square. There was only one epic thought in his head – poop on Buzz Aldrins door. The crowd were applauding; Moon Dogs tongue was getting excited. In and out in and out in and out. But then everything went silent in Moon Dogs mind. He could hear a voice.

“butter would help get through that tight hole”. Said the voice

It was however the wrong voice of a 80 year old man in the audience in a wheelchair. Moon Dog had tuned into someone else’s thoughts. Psychic powers. He had gained psychic powers whilst up in the Moon. It must have been that mysterious asteroid! I mean there were no people in space so he couldn’t hear them.

“do wit daw o dum de bay yum yum” said someone in Icelandic.

Moon Dog approached the Icelandic idiot with his silly language. He flew up into the air. The crowd gasped, except for the perverted old man who sat in his wheelchair and just dribbled. He then proceeded to fall off as a reaction of not being able to gasp. He was left dribbling on the cold cement because everyone was busy gasping. It was a long gasp. Moon Dog flew up into the air and flying kicked the Icelandic to a waffle shop in Piccadilly Circus. A polish woman working at the waffle shop was killed instantly cushioning the fall for the Icelandic Man. Her name was Eva Jockstrap and she was the inventor of the toffee cabbage. The Icelandic dusted himself off, ate some treacle and whistled off to the street. Incredibly resilient people the Icelandic. Sigmund was amused and his senses started to react in a frenzy like a mosquito you can never kill. Mosquitos rape cows. Fact. Ask a cow. They’re always mooing, getting ever so close to saying the word Mo-squito. But because their train of thought is obsessed with the colour green. Therefore,they can never see anything through.Terribly lethargic animals. Moooo – yum grass.

Thoughts started to rush through Sigmunds mind. The prime thought was humans beings are a good people and need to saved. Mainly from themselves and bad people like rapists or cigar smokers. Sigmund had an epiphany. It occurred to him that if he could harness the powers of Moon Dog, manage it in such a way that Moon Dogs powers could be used for good instead of general randomness it would prove fruitful.

Now if only he could escape his cage..

Merry Xmas from Moon Dog and Badger

Merry Xmas everyone from Moon Dog and Badger! 

This Christmas Moon Dog will be making chocolate brownies and Badger will be doing the turkey.

Moon Dog and Badger Part 5

Part 5 people. This week we see an introduction of a new character and we learn about Hummus.

Badger was strong. Strong beyond belief. His head was clear and he was confident. He could now beat up the 5 year old kids at the nursery. Yes, those pesky 5 year olds who always pick on him and call him rude names like ‘poo’. However, beating up children is wrong. Badger learnt this when he went to the playground. Little Jake shouted, “Poo”. Badger replied back in his gravely voice.

“Don’t say that! It’s the worst word ever!”.
Badger, stepped back. He was going to flying kick Little Jake to kingdom come. Shame on badger for using his super powers to beat up children. There was a problem. Badger got stuck. He started sweating profusely. His heart was beating heavily. He couldn’t move. There was a crack in the nursery playground. Badger was reminded of the time when Margaret Badger was thrashed by a range rover. He remembered the full horror of her bulging eye popping out. Even the word ‘poo’ seemed tame right now. Badger wasn’t spazzing out. Spazzing out is not the right term. It’s called OCD or obsessive compulsive disorder. The lovely but evil 5 year olds came to him and just beat Badger to the dark ages. Kicking him in the head, spanners and forks, one kid even had some nunchucks. Kids these days. Poor Badger.

So now we have it my listeners. Badger and Moon Dog with their super duper powers. Moon Dog with his flying and Badger with his unbreakable strength. Albeit, with epilepsy and OCD in that order. All of us in life have some sort of handicap we have to fight right?

Sigmund was sitting on his leather chair in the office smoking a pipe and contemplating the theory of evolution. How did ape become man and at what point is there a middle ground. For example, is there a man with an apes mind? Or an ape with a mans mind? Then it hit him. There isn’t. There are just idiotic humans and idiotic apes. Using a toilet doesn’t make you more human. But herein lies the problem. Sigmund is a monkey. To look at, to feel and at every conceivable level he is a monkey. A monkey who speaks and understands 5 different languages except Icelandic because it’s a very silly language. His problem is this, apes don’t understand him or get on with him, they think he’s a mad. Mad like a Giraffe with a mouse’s head, a complete outcast. Human beings couldn’t accept him as one of them because he’s more intelligent than them. Sigmund had an IQ of 140. However, unlike the our heroes Moon Dog and Badger there were no unfortunate events as to how he came to being this powerful. Sigmund just was. He was born from his mothers womb and thought the greatest thought ever for a goo covered new born. He thought this – if the universe is infinite in its dimension then consciousness cannot be finite, we are part of the universe as one organic entity. Profound stuff. He also thought dung is the greatest thing ever, which then negated his previous thought because dung is not the greatest thing ever. Hummus is. This strange contradiction runs throughout the world. For example, if pizzas are round why are they supplied in square boxes?

But what has Sigmund got to do with our story?

Sigmund is the uniting bond as to how Moon Dog and Badger came together and triumphed all over the world. And here is this character montage.

Sigmund was rejected by his mother for constantly questioning who his father was.
“I was on heat Sigmund and I had to be dealt with”. Shouted Sigmunds monkey mother.
Of course, none of this was said in English. Although, Sigmund did speak English very early on, he spoke with arms and spasmodic gestures, screeching noises and hands full of dung flying at each other. Dung is actually like morse code for monkeys. Much can be read from it. For example, the word above ‘dealt’ would be 5 and half pounds of flying dung. Sigmund didn’t like the way monkeys spoke.
“Mother, I need to know who my father was because I am convinced he is the one who passed on my intellect dammit!” shouted back Sigmund.
The word ‘dammit’ does not exist in monkey talk. So the equivalent of that would be two piles of Rhino Poo. The worst gesture in monkeyism ever. Sigmund had to leave. His mother turned her backside to him and pointed north. Sigmund resigned his fate to working for a living or translating Shakespeare plays into other languages. He then realised that this is all rather silly because Shakespeare was an idiot who didn’t know how to spell. The reason he took so long writing a play wasn’t writers block, it’s because he was completely inept at spelling a simple word like ‘the’. This is a fact because it took a million monkeys to finish the complete works of Shakespeare. Shakespeare merely wrote a draft outline of the play with huge spelling mistakes and the million monkeys invented the rest. So Sigmund was exiled. Walking through Africa, and then through North Africa, caught a boat full of dodgy sailors who he had to do favours for. He was not proud of doing them but he sometimes a person has to bend over backwards to reach his or her destination. Eventually going through what he deemed as strange Europeans who like nothing but disco and getting drunk. It perplexed him as to why they would rather escape profound consciousness, intellect and get drunk. Another vast contradiction in world. He just didn’t understand why they would act like undomesticated animals. His travels taught him that he has nothing in common with humans whatsoever. They are silly beings who invent things like a pay toilet.

Whilst travelling he landed in France where Sigmund almost felt at home. He was in Paris and was the centre of attention in Bars and Cafes, discussing existential theories and the why the English are so utterly ugly. Two topics the French enjoy the most. The third topic is smoking. A nasty habit Sigmund picked up. Pipe smoking that is. But it was a false sense of security. A bar owner thought he would capture Sigmund and put him in the circus. He succeeded. It wasn’t difficult. The bar owner liked monkeys, he once bought 200 and they all died suddenly. No reason, they just died like cheap goldfish. He liked monkeys. He punched Sigmund in the genitals. Sigmund remembered his favours on the ship he was on earlier from Africa to Europe. The sailors asked him to do the same for them. After a while punching 100 plus people in the genitals every hour becomes boring. They enjoyed it though. The bar owner put him in a sack and sold him to Paris Existential Circus. The only circus in the world where animals re-enacted the writings of Proust and Shakespeare. Sigmund was in a cage to London to perform for the Mayor of London for the annual French appreciation day. Sigmund was sad in his straw filled cage forced to learn Shakespeare line by line. Painful stuff. He didn’t mind the cage or the nomadic life, he was looked after and wasn’t touched up at all it was just the utter banality and degradation of learning an oafs books. But my friends all this would change like an aftershock of a hot curry. Soon, the 66 degrees of separation between all beings would combine in the cosmos and bring our heroes together. Badger has already walked past Sigmund many times, he even caught eye to eye for a second but being and ugly british person he didn't interact. Lives change forever if only people took the opporunity to look and react. We walk past each other everyday and refuse or go blind at the idea that the person next to us has every purpose of being there as you do.

Thanks. More next week.

Moon Dog and Badger PART 4

Now a friend of mine says he'll make some drawings of Moon Dog and Badger. So, if my friend is reading this I just want to say one word. Hairyballedfuckface.

Anyway, Part 4 my friends.

Badger was a mess. Like an alcoholic priest converting to Jedi. But life will give him something, it gives everyone something. One day, whilst walking through Watford Park he came across a mushroom. A magic mushroom. The real magic kind, not the funny ‘I like my sister’ kind. The mushroom was glowing like the burning bush Moses saw. Now, at this moment Badger thought I am never going to eat a mushroom again. Hallucinating about the goonies or Edward Heath is all good and fun but burning bushes, hell no. But people, you know curiosity killed the cat. Strange story behind that phrase. Curiosity killed the cat because once upon a time this specific cat living in New York saw a butterfly. An evil butterfly. All butterflies are evil, cold blooded creatures. All they want to do is destroy, rob and pillage, but they can’t because, well it’s obvious, work it out – what are they going to do? Pull a gun out and shoot you? No. Anyway, so this cat in New York started chasing this butterfly to kill it. The cat was curious as to where the butterflies Masonic lodge was, where the butterflies carry out their conspiracy against the world. He followed the butterfly. It was a trap. The butterfly led him to an industrial harvester. The cat was turned into sweet and sour chicken Chinese style. So, there you go kids, some knowledge for you.

So with that knowledge we know that Badger had to eat that mushroom.

He thought, ‘if I don’t do this I might never what a glowing mushroom tastes like, I must be like Jack Nicholson and try everything once’

He did. He put into this mouth. My God, ladies and gents, he put into his mouth. It’s like watching an action scene in slow mo. Nothing happened. Badger carried on trudging through the park, smiling and giving high fives to all the other people. Badger was like a smelly Fonz. And then it happened. Badger collapsed, his eyes were trembling and then just stayed open, they turned from being bloodshot and battered to white and crystal clear. Badger was still, oh so still. By looking at him you would think he was in shock. Not really, just amazed at the revelation inside of him, the pure clean clarity of vision. Badger was always trying to numb his existence so he wouldn’t feel. But now he was feeling detoxified. His shoulders weren’t bearing a huge weight, he was lighter than a feather. From this on he would never ever abuse his body again, unless he paid for it at Kings Cross. He remembered Margaret Badger who he could have rescued but was too high to do so. Her memory panged his memory over and over again. He also remembered a time when he tried to play the flute with a sausage. It was a silly random thought. Poor Badger and his silly mushrooms. Badger got up in a vigour only seen in dictators who rule over their land of deserts and hung over cattle. They must wake up and think, yes it’s only 2 inches, but today I can do whatever I want. Today, I will abuse cats. Dictators are the second most evil people after butterflies. You can imagine how good they feel with all that power on their big bed when they wake up. Saddam Hussein used to wake up to Iraq and before he killed dissidents he used to watch Bugs Bunny. He could because he was the ultimate power. He also used to sing ‘I’m so pretty’ in the shower. Badger was all powerful, and with a swagger and swing he walked through with a smile, a smile he had forgotton. The last time he smiled he was kicked in the head by a concerned mother. Badger was only being friendly not creepy. Damned over-protective young mothers. Badger went past Rand the rat.

‘Hey brother! Wassup?’, said that cool rat.

‘I feel good Rand’, high fived Badger to the Rat.

The rat went flying back to a tree and was killed in such a gruesome manner that I will tell all in glorious high definition. Badger high fived a rat. Think about an elephant high fiving Gary Coleman. That Rat just bounced like a ping pong ball, went flying and hit a tree head first. The last thing that went through Rand the Rat were all the secrets of the Universe and existence. A rather sad juxtaposition to happen at death.You find everything out and then you die as soon as you’ve figured it out. Just another one of the ridiculous protocols the Universe had in place. So if you want to figure out what life and everything means, kill yourself.

Please leave comments guys. It gives me arousal.

Moon Dog and Badger PART3

This part continues the intro of our awesome duo. This part concentrates on Moon Dog.

Moon Dog did not see this coming. Hopping on the moon with Buzz and Neil, with his glass helmet and nothing else. Dogs have to be protected from zero atmosphere places as well you know. Not their bodies but just their head. Ask NASA they will tell you so. As he was there hopping in his domain, he thought ‘wow, I could really evacuate my bowels here’ In saying that moon dogs bowels let some air out and it pushed him forward at miraculous speeds. Moon Dog was flying. At first there was fear and then Moon Dog couldn’t keep his concentration so he forgot what he was frightened of in the first place. Neil Armstrong thought this was wonderful and laughed like mad until he got his asthma and stopped. Oh but my fellow reader(s), NASA forgot to cover his scrotum. The scrotum must be covered as well in zero atmospheres and minus degrees cold. Moon Dog went to lick his family jewels. As his huge helmet hit his marble pack his frozen scrotum just fell off. Radioactive pathogens invaded the place where his scrotum was. They formed something more metallic and grey looking.
‘Did you just see that?’ said Neil almost fainting from his asthma.
‘Nope, have you collected the moon soil yet?’ replied Buzz boringly.
‘Oh yeah magic dust, yeah got loads of it’. said Neil now severely lacking oxygen.
Moon Dog understood all this. Amongst American English Moon Dog also understands cockney and Rolf Harris.
Moon Dog rather angrily retorted, ‘grrrr’ in his circular helmet. That didn’t work, so he charged at Neil Armstrong with a judo chop. He missed. Instead, he hit an Asteroid. Something magical happened then, Moon Dogs super balls ignited with the super dust of the asteroid and suddenly there was a jolt inside Moon Dogs mind. There was crystal clear clarity, Moon Dog was one with the Universe and a superb power enveloped him. Not only could he could he understand all the languages of creation except Icelandic he could also feel a higher intellect in him. He now had an IQ of 11. Which meant his good will to mankind was increased. From this moment on Moon Dog would serve humanity forever. His IBS was cured, he could see all the colours of the world, rather than black and white. But something more sinister was taking place. Of all the powers that the Universe gives it also takes something back. There is no such thing as perfection. After all heroes have to have a handicap of some sort. Moon Dog discovered this looking at the earth and sun together. In one sudden swoop he fell back to Moon and starting having a horrible seizure. Foaming at the mouth, jiggling on the ground like a crazy white man learning the twist. Commonly known as epilepsy and not spazzing as some people call it. Buzz saw this and in his wicked way he buried Moon Dog thinking the poor dog couldn’t cope with space dimensions.
‘What are you doing’ cried Neil.
‘No-one will miss him’ said Buzz with his Moon spade.
Evil Buzz
Moon Dog vowed to get his revenge on Buzz. He would find him on earth and do a massive poop on his doorstep.
Of course, Moon Dog was now a super being. He escaped after Neil’s speech about ‘one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind’. Contrary to popular belief Neil Armstrong was not talking about the evolutionary and technological advancement of man. He just jumbled some asthmatic words together and somehow they made sense. Luckily he didn’t not say ‘flamertammertangerineopesci….’ I cannot finish that word because if I did the fabric of time and space would just end there and then. It is the one of the three variables that the universe has in place. Like an emergency stop button. The third variable is if Jamie Oliver ever lost his lisp. If the latter two happen soon, the universe would just fold like paper into itself. The secrets of the Universe would reveal themselves and there wouldn’t be anyone there to see it. Damn paradoxes.
So, Moon Dog escaped his moon dust grave. He was going to fly to the earth. Moon Dog carried on farting towards earth hoping this Peter Pan sensation would last forever. Peter Pan also suffered from IBS.

Tune in next week folks for the next part of this massive paradigm shift in story telling.

Moon Dog and Badger PART 2

Read on my peeps of the epic Moon Dog and Badger. Bear with me, The begininning is just a character study the action will start soon.

Badger, was a lonely orphan animal from Hertfordshire. A young fresh faced badger was ready to face the world at night, but couldn’t do it alone. Poor badger wanted love. All he ever wanted in life was love. Legend has it that even Bill Oddie who slept with animals and married a goose couldn’t stand the possessive power of badger. Badger just wanted someone for himself. Poor badger. In his many years of solitude and winter months badger kept company with mushrooms of the exotic kind. It made the time pass by quicker and generally made him feel warmer, albeit slightly distorted from reality. Badger and his silly mushrooms. One day as Badger staggered bravely through a road with Norman Lamont and the kids from The Goonies he saw eye to eye with Margaret Badger. This was classic doe eyed love. You could see from the electric jaw dropping chemistry that they both wanted each other. They were both lonely badgers who wanted nothing more than to sleep in a sixty nine position. Margaret crossed the road, making the first step, badger couldn’t move as he thought he was guarding queen Persepolis treasure. Badger and his funny mushrooms. As Margaret crossed the road she didn’t see the Range Rover to her left, everything was quiet in her mind for now, everything was one and silent. She got flattened like a pumpkin falling from the sky or even a badger crossing the road. Damned Mushrooms. Badger was of course, utterly devastated by this senseless violent and cruel disposition of fate. But he couldn’t move, he wanted to touch her bloody bowels or a bit of brain but couldn’t move from the crack on the road he was on. Queen Persepolis would have to wait. Poor badger tormented by the twin swords of destiny.

Life throws all of us a bad bone. But life has this strange unexplainable harmony. It’s takes from you and it gives to you. It took badgers sanity and Moon Dogs scrotum and good will to man.

Please comment, it blows my ego and I feel oh so important. Comment and then think about how warm I make you feel.

Moon Dog and Badger PART 1

Ladies, Gents and due to considerable demand. (Thank you to the 4 people who commented.) I now present the first part of this saga. Moon Dog and Badger!

There are moments in the annals of mankind’s history where magnificent things happen. Amongst us mere mortals and bears and birds, there are under a garb of secrecy superhuman beings, well not quite super because they’re below the food chain, and not really human because they’re animals. Nevertheless, let us continue with the utter gargantuan idiocy of this sad tragedy.

Moon Dog and Badger were quietly passing their time. Moon Dog was peeing on a tyre and contemplating the heavenly relief emptying his bowels in a small corner of a massive park that seems like it never ends. Badger was tiling his bathroom, and stopped abruptly. ‘Bugger’ he thought. ‘I should have used Vinyl.’ We’ll come back to the irritating reason of why that is so.

Did you know that Moon Dog was the first Dog ever to land on the moon with Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin. There was never any footage of him because Moon Dog was camera shy. He always hopped away in zero gravity whenever the Apollo craft tried to take a picture. He was chosen amongst a thousand and twenty three dogs. All trained to listen and obey commands. Moon Dog was a trampy shaggy looking Dog found on the streets in Chicago by dog lover Melissa Carthwright, an equally looking trampy and shaggy 38 year old. Whilst every other dog was doing a cheap dog show tricks like jumping and licking themselves. Moon Dog was doing judo chops on a comatose and dribbling Melissa, he liked Melissa, he just didn’t like her face. The judges of NASA were impressed. Moon Dogs high intellect of 7 paid off and watching Hong Kong Phooey. John ‘Randy’ Buddy a tall, strong specimen of physical evolution, who was chosen to land on the moon with Buzz Aldrin, went to reach for Moon Dog. Moon Dog did a flying kick to Johns face and killed him. Moon Dog didn’t like Johns face. He thought John looked like a rapist. Neil Armstrong was bought in as a replacement. Anyway, NASA heavily impressed with Moon Dog recruited him immediately. Moon Dog liked Neil Armstrong because he smelt of rectum. This is all true and can be verified by NASA themselves. If they’re willing to part with this information....

Care to read more? Please comment and I will post the next dazzling part next week.